Mom Judgement
Saturday was a pretty miserable day in NJ. It was cold, very rainy, and just not a nice day. We had a birthday party to attend at Field Station Dinosaurs in Secaucus. Despite the weather, the party was to go on and for the little boy whose birthday we were celebrating, well, I didn't blame him for wanting to have his dinosaur birthday!
We bundled up and took Penelope and had a really great time. The park was truly awesome. Life-sized dinosaurs made it feel like walking through Jurassic Park. I was concerned that P might be a little scared, but she was enthralled with the dinosaurs --->whose child is she? I was so happy that the party continued on as planned because we had a blast.
This wasn't the first kids birthday party that we've been to with Penelope, but it is one of the first that she wasn't the youngest child there and could semi-participate in the activities. Shaun and I were pretty excited about that. As Penelope grows, she can do more and everything becomes more fun day by day. Going to parties and other events is certainly something that I look forward to with her.
Though most of the party was outdoors, they had an enclosed tent set up for lunch, birthday cake and general hang out space to get out of the rain. When we arrived inside the tent, the first thing Penelope did was to remove her heavy coat that I had put on her. It was chilly out, but if she didn't want her coat on, then I wasn't going to force her. She downed a hot dog, snacks and her water and wanted to eat uninhibited by her coat.
Another mother {who I've exchanged pleasantries with, but that's about it} came by, gave a sideways glance, and said to me, Isn't she cold? and then walked away.
My first thought was...well, no, clearly she is not cold if she initiated her own coat removal. My second thought was Hmmm. Maybe she is cold? Maybe I shouldn't be letting her walk around without a coat on.
Followed by: What kind of mother am I??!!!
I looked around and all the other kids had their coats on. So I immediately put P's coat back on her, despite her protests.
And finally, once P was stuffed back into her winter coat and whining about it, my third thought was, Who does this mom think she is?
I immediately felt judged. I felt defensive. Three little words that I assume {I hope} were not intended maliciously or to demean me as a mother. But I couldn't help but feel that I was judged, looked down on, and proceeded to make myself feel terribly about not having a coat on my 21 month old daughter. {these are also problems of an over-thinker and may not be a normal reaction to one simple comment}.
The next part of the party included birthday cake! I knew Penelope would love herself a piece of cake, because who wouldn't? There were actually cupcakes and cake and when she was offered a cupcake, you know I snapped one up for her. And look at this face with her cupcake:
Shaun and I proceeded to ooooh and aaaaah at how adorable our child was with her little cupcake. She was so excited to dig into the frosting. I've never seen such joy in a child as Penelope was over this cupcake. As I'm snapping photos and even a video to document her dainty eating of said cupcake, the same coat mother walks passed, looks at Penelope, turns to me and says...You let her have sugar?
It was here that I just about lost it {internally of course}. I responded and said, Well yes, clearly we let her have sugar. Do you not let your child have sugar?
She said, No, we don't let him have sugar. And walked away.
Look. I get it. We live in a world where social media and society tell Moms that they are supposed to breastfeed until their kids are in preschool, that if you don't make your own baby food from freshly squeezed organic peas your child will grow up to be a deranged psychopath, that Moms are supposed to be ambitious and work long hours and be bread winners {lean in!}, but also be stay-at-home Moms so that our kids grow up with manners {otherwise they don't stand a chance!}, spend hours and hours DIY'ing Pinterest birthday parties and if you aren't feeding your children only organic food, diapering them in organic diapers {or even better - cloth diapering!}, and bathing them in organic soap, well your kid might as well throw in the towel right now because what kind of person will they grow up to be?
It's ridiculous, isn't it? And believe me, I do participate in some of the above. I buy organic where I can. I considered cloth diapering, I try to lean in (!).
There is pressure everywhere to be a certain kind of mother. I don't know about you, but I'm just trying to do the best I can and hold onto my sanity. My daughter seems happy and healthy. She is certainly loved and cared for in the best way I know how {--->with every fiber of my soul}. Is that enough? As I'm sure many other Moms do, I am always second-guessing myself on the choices I make for Penelope and struggling to have the confidence that I'm doing what's best for our family and for her. Should I be judged for the outcome of those choices?
And so I can't help but wonder what compels Moms to judge other Moms? Why do we think this is ok? Aren't we all struggling to do our best? Are we really all perfect all of the time? I hope you guys aren't, because I'm certainly not.
{my sugar eating, non-coat wearing penelopesaurus}
I'll admit, after the sugar comment, I spent immediate time following judging her right back, and continued to judge myself.
What kind of Mom doesn't let her kid have a cupcake at a birthday party? Does she think her child will grow up to be normal? WHO does she think she IS?!
But...Maybe I shouldn't be letting my child have a cupcake at a birthday party? Then wouldn't that make me such a mean and crazy Mom? But what if she ends up sugar-addicted and refuses to eat any other foods if I let her have cupcakes?! Why can't we all just BE?
At the end of the day, we are talking about coat-wearing and cupcake-eating. Is that really so life-changing? Do we really need that kind of judgement from fellow moms or from ourselves? I've spent the last few days mulling over the exchange with this other mother. Her child is just a couple of months younger than Penelope. She stays home with him and I work. We clearly have different ideologies on raising kids. And isn't that OK? I'm all for healthy discourse in life. If everyone agreed on everything all of the time, there would be no progress in the world, right? Isn't friendly discourse better than sideways glances and judgement?
The optimist in me continues to think that this mother meant no harm and this isn't a post to tear her down personally. I'm sure we will continue to see each other and I hope it is a nice, friendly relationship. She probably has no idea that I'm still reeling from her comments days later. But maybe she needs to know. Maybe all Moms, caregivers and family members need to know that judgement is not productive. You have no idea how it will affect people. And perhaps instead of judgement, we should work toward acceptance and open-mindedness.
So I really want to know...Have you ever felt the wrath of Mom Judgement? How did you handle it?
Psst...I hope you'll join in the conversation because I think it's an important conversation to be had. Please note that with that in mind, this is a judgement-free zone, so please come with healthy discourse, but no judgement of me or other commenters. Thank you!
11 Comments | November 4, 2014 | Share Article | Email Article | in Baby Talk Tuesday Print Article | Permalink
Reader Comments (11)
Well said Rachel! Being a parent is such a hard job, we doubt ourselves enough as it is. We are just doing the best we can and the judging needs to stop. We need to be more supportive. As long as you weren't taking off her kid's coat and feeding him cupcakes it's not her business.
Man, this is scary! But you're right... Penelope looks ridiculously happy and is obviously extremely loved. And that is the most important thing!!
Also, I grew up with parents who always had candy out in a basket and let me enjoy a piece after dinner or on special occasions... And I always remember my friends whose parents didn't let them have candy/cake/etc. would come over and go crazy when they saw it at my house. Some would even try to sneak it! I never thought it was a big deal because it wasn't "forbidden." I think this is how you teach kids responsible eating habits and also let them have fun :)
Wow. Agreed that it is none of her business. The only thing I can say, if you have to take the time to judge, let alone comment, on other mother's actions, then clearly there is something lacking within yourself. I honestly think that people who project judgment are really just unhappy with themselves and their own situation and 95% of the time, it has NOTHING to do with the other other person. That seriously sucks that she had to take time out of her day to suck the joy out of yours!
So as you well know my Christine refused to wear a coat when she was small and still doesn't fee cold all the time now.
I went through the same panics that you are until I realized that you can't get a cold from not wearing a coat, you can only get cold. If Penelope is cold she will put her coat on. No biggie.
She obviously gets it from both sides, since her dad is never cold either.
As for the cupcake, you know I do not believe sugar is good for anyone, but to deny a child a cupcake is worse.
Go with your heart. You are a healthy family in mind and body. Enjoy every minute of every cupcake.
So silly
I need to check out this dinosaur park! It looks awesome:) I completely agree. I feel like we should be empowering eachother, not judging one another. Colin loves cupcakes and also enjoys not wearing a jacket. Does he get to have a cupcake everyday of course not. As far as Im concerned he has the rest of his life to worry about carbs. You have to pick your battles in order to stay sane. You are doing a great job and I love this topic.
Love this! Great post and even though my daughter just turned 8 months old, I already notice the judgement. It's out there and it's just sad. I'm just like you in that I'd be thinking about that other mom and what she said or did days later. I've gotten a lot better over the years because I used to always take any kind of 'awkward' comment to heart, but not as badly now. I concur though, in that those two comments were totally unnecessary and if you ask me, rude.
I consider myself to be a pretty honest person. I'm all about speaking up, having some balls and standing up for myself and others. But that mom had balls to utter those words. There is class and then well, there's not.
Clearly I'm already getting fired up and this isn't even my story. Just keep doing what you're doing. You're right, all we can do is our best! I wouldn't think about this mom anymore. Enjoy your sweet P! she's adorable!
I have a "mom" story on my blog as well, but it's unrelated. Might be a refreshing read for you though. ;)
Loved this post! You are being the best mom you know how to be Rachel. Trust yourself : ) You are doing a terrific job and are a fantastic mom. Always remember that.
On a side note, I don't know why us as mothers and women need to bash each other. I have noticed this so much lately in everything I do. Personally, now when i hear comments like that thrown my way, I just try to tell myself in my mind, I am the best mother/women that I can be and for that I am proud.
Hahaha well Mommy beat me to it but as you know I NEVER wore a coat! I can remember one time when I was maybe seven and we were at Salk soccer fields and I was wearing a leotard and tights with no jacket at the end of fall. Perfectly fine. If I was cold I would have worn a jacket. And you know what? I literally never get sick. Maybe one minor cold a year.
You're doing great and Penelope is happy and healthy and that's all that matters!
I'm obviously not there quite yet, but an older friend of mine keeps warning me that other moms can be MEAN! I can see commenting if something was dangerous or horrible, but sugar? Why? What is the point?
I've been reading your blog for almost two years now {but have never commented!} I have two daughters - one just a little younger than yours - and another baby on the way. I love your perspective & your blogging style. I felt the need tk comment because as a mom, I think we have all been there. Sometimes I feel like I will be judged no matter what I do! Having more than one toddler has toned down my "mom judging" because this is a tough job! And no two kids or families are alike! Keep on doing what you're doing! Penelope is obviously thriving & I think you're doing great!
Amen! I also think this was probably more about the other mom's own insecurities than what you're doing with your daughter. Which, by the way, is a great job!